But for now
by Dinkley
Summary: They met by chance and their fates are sealed. 100% angsty AU  an idea that popped in my mind
1. Chapter 1

_But for now, I'll just say I love you_

_Nothing more seems important somehow_

_And tomorrow can wait, come, whatever_

_Let me love you forever but right now_

_Right now_

**But for now – Jamie Cullum**

And when no one expected it, the weather changed unexpectedly in that part of the country. Summer had begun weeks ago but cold and rain had been a constant; until that day in the middle of July. That morning, clouds had given way to a bright sun since dawn, and the sea breeze wrapped around the surroundings in a very pleasant temperature.

John Bates had arrived there the night before in the last train. He didn't expect to stay long, maybe two or three days. He just wanted to refresh his memories about the place which had witnessed his birth and childhood. He had been so happy there.

There was no agenda or planning established, but his first destination was clear since the moment he woke up and left his late mother's home.

The beach was still deserted. Men were at work, women busy with their household chores or running errands in the local market, and children, who would've to wait until the afternoon to go, entertained themselves playing and running in the streets and squares.

He approached the shore, careful not to wet his shoes with the cold water and then, closed his eyes. His ears become more acute beyond any control, trying to locate other sounds, aside from the ones that the sea and wind generated. Far away, the church bells pealed, summoning the people to the first Mass; and if he tilted his head towards the port, he could identify the sound of dozens of seagulls flying over the fishing boats which came back loaded with fresh fish.

Those seemed to be the only signs of life around. Without them, he could have sworn the he was all alone in the world. Until his eyes spotted her for the first time.

She was far away from him, standing on that cliff amidst the morning fog. He could only discern a slender figure which ended in a long skirt waving in the wind. That blurry image was enough for his legs to march automatically towards there.

It took his time to reach the higher part of the cliff. Although there was a stone path which facilitated the access, Bates wasn't the young and agile man of 15 years ago. Besides, his leg hadn't accustomed to the change of weather and not even his cane could relieve the unwelcome pain. After catching his breath and wiping away the sweat from his forehead, the man scanned the area looking for the woman.

She hadn't moved from her spot, right on the edge and staring at the dark deep waters. Keeping a respectable distance from her, Bates tried to guess what she might be doing there or what or who she might be thinking of. Maybe about a boyfriend or husband who was at sea and she was waiting for him.

But suddenly, a suffocating feeling of unease invaded him. Somehow he figured out that she wasn't there for anyone or anything. She was there because she wasn't well. Images from South Africa began to take shape in his mind; images of a very young soldier who decided to put an end to his life. Bates and other soldiers witnessed that tragedy, but no one could do anything for the boy. Now, he couldn't let the story to repeat itself. She deserved better than that.

He could have gone and try to grab hold of her, jerk her far away from the edge of the cliff, but the cane which helped him with his battered leg was a reminder that that option was not a possibility. He would have to help her from there and it would have to be now, whatever his plan was.

- Please, don't do it –

Bates was a serious, almost authoritarian-looking man and those words mirrored that distinctive personality. They echoed around loud and clear breaking the silence together with the wind and the waves crashing against the cliff walls.

She turned around. He face showed a mixture of fear but also, curiosity. Their gazes found each other in the distance and John's self-confidence weakened for an instant. Grasping his cane tightly, he carried on.

- I mean, not yet –

She stood still in her position. The fog had started to vanish and Bates could contemplate her clearly. She wouldn't be older than 25 years old, with long blond hair and blue eyes, bluer than the sea beneath them. However, despite the sadness of her look and the paleness of her face, she was a very beautiful woman. He was sure that she must have had a few suitors in her young life.

Then, what must have happened to her to consider this as the only way out?

- How long have you been there? – She didn't sound scared or angry, but sad, as if she didn't really care much about the answer. Despite the lifeless tone, Bates could recognize a sweet melody in her voice.

- I just… came for a walk – he said smiling. Then he remembered and wiped the smile off his face, slightly ashamed. He dropped his gaze, afraid of having hurt her.

But she wasn't. After the initial surprise, her expression remained the same. However, her eyes had suddenly come to life and didn't stop moving, scrutinizing the man they had in front of them.

He just stood there, not wanting to invade her personal space, trying to gain her confidence. He took his left hand out of his pocket in an attempt to look harmless despite his size and his worn-out clothes. He remembered being at his mother's trying to decided whether he should shave or not. Thank God he did.

After two or three minutes in silence, Bates started to feel a little bit uncomfortable. The first impulse of saving her had vanished and now, the shadow of reality hovered over him. Everything was new to him; not the fact of talking to a woman about to throw herself to the waters, the fact that he was talking to a woman. When was the last time? He couldn't remember.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he barely listened when she spoke again.

- You won't change my mind about this -

- I know. And believe me, that's the last of my intentions. I'm aware that once one makes up his or her mind about something like this, no one can change their minds –

He knew what he was talking about. It hadn't been the first time that that young soldier had tried to kill himself. The first time, they kept watch over me for three or four days. Less than a week later, he did it again, and didn't fail.

She turned around to look again at the waters, but not the part below them. Her gaze was focused far away where the sea and the sky melted. Was she weighing options? He hoped so.

- Explain me then, why you are asking me not to do it –

- Well, let's say I'm asking you for a rain check, at least, for today. I mean – he cleared his throat trying to elaborate an argument – look around you. It's going to be a very beautiful day. We don't get many days like this during the year and we should make the most of it –

She looked at him intently and then smiled – You must have done something terrible if your penance is "trying to rescue the poor girl who wants to kill herself" -

That unexpected sample of dark humour left him breathless.

- You don't understand. No one can help me – she carried on

Her expression had changed again, but that smile had stirred something in him. He discovered a hidden part in her beneath all that pain that showed that she wasn't as fragile as she seemed. Quite the opposite, there was an extraordinary inner force in her. That was worrying, though, because it meant that something awful must have happened to her.

But there was more. The empathy he felt for the hell she must be going through, had turned into something else, a deeper connexion which had awoken new found feelings of tenderness and the desire to protect and care for someone.

She wasn't like any other women he had met before, let alone his ex wife. That girl represented the beauty, warmth, sweetness and goodness of a world he had never met; that he had never bothered to meet.

He failed to comprehend why she was all alone and no one else had cared about her before. It was almost ridiculous that in that story, he was the knight in shining armour whose duty was to save that fairy tale princess.

He tried to focus his gaze somewhere else but her.

- Look, I'm not trying to put myself in your shoes and definitely I'm not going to tell you how great life is or how stupid is what you are about to do. I respect your decision greatly. I just… -

Their eyes met and his words faltered. Part of his confidence faded away as by magic. Was John Bates falling in love with a total stranger?

- I just want you to have a happy day, that's all. You deserve it. Even the worst people in the world are granted a last wish. Let me do this for you, please -

Bates held his breath wishing that his words had an effect on her.

- And what would you suggest we could do? - she asked suddenly

- Well, for starters, I could take you… to lunch –

- To lunch – the woman repeated half surprised, half confused

- Exactly – he said; an improvised plan already taking form in his head – I know a place not far from here that you may like; then we'll see what we do –

He sounded so sure of himself, but the reality was that the idea of her finally carrying on with her plan and him having to witness her impending departure from this world was making him feel sick.

- On one condition – she said finally, finally stepping out of the edge. Bates sighed in relief, but didn't make an attempt to move towards her. The last thing he wanted was to scare her so he stood where he was, giving her the space she needed.

- I'm listening –

- I want to make something clear. Whatever happens today, at the end of it I'm going to do it, so don't try to make me change my mind. If you do it, this "deal" is over, understood? –

He bowed is head as a sign of total acceptation of her conditions – You have my word that at the end of the day we will come back here and you'll do whatever you want to –

He couldn't help but smile triumphantly when she muttered – Fine –

He waited patiently for her to come back to where he stood and when they where face-to-face, she looked straight to his eyes and something in him stirred again and for a moment his breathing grew shallow.

After offering his arm gallantly, which she accepted reluctantly, they both walked towards the restaurant.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**_  
><em>

_The Irish Garden _was a small familiar restaurant in the outskirts of the village, which usually was filled with clients on Sundays after Mass. Although the bright sun and cloudless sky invited to eat outside, it seemed that people didn't trust the excellent weather and most of them had decided to stay inside instead.

When they arrived, John led her to a small table in a corner of the empty garden. As if it was a date, the man hurried up and drew her chair back. Despite having been alone for many years, he hadn't forgotten how to treat a lady.

Few words had come out of her mouth since they had left the cliff. John presumed that she was at least as much surprised as he was at the course of events that had taken place. He decided then not to put pressure on her and they both had walked in silence on their way to the restaurant.

There, she didn't say much for a while. She just took the menu in her hands and began to peruse it. Silence and closeness were the perfect excuse for him to eye her thoroughly. All her small tiny movements were enveloped in the most absolute delicacy: her fingers holding slightly the sheet, her blue eyes sliding along the lines from left to right.

For some reason, he just couldn't take his eyes off her, not even to read his own set of choices, until she noticed and looked back at him. Slightly ashamed, he half hid himself behind his sheet while trying to make up some conversation.

- There is something we have missed – he commented minutes later.

She looked at him, her face showing total lack of understanding – What is it? –

He moved his hand pointing at himself and her – Our names. Here we are, about to having a delicious lunch and we don't even know how to call each other –

That was true. Their unusual encounter had made them forget something as simple as to introduce themselves. A faint glimpse of surprise could be discerned on the girl's face. As she seemed unable to respond properly, he decided to take the lead.

- I'm John. John Bates – he said stretching his hand

With some reluctance, she shook it – I'm Anna Smith –

- Pleasure to meet you Anna Smith –

He didn't know if that was her real name. "Anna" was a pretty common name just like "Smith". But none of that mattered. Somehow, their meeting had been anything but common, so if her wish was to be called Anna Smith, he would respect that. Anyway, it was a very beautiful name, just like her.

- Something you like? – He inquired after a while.

- Am I going to choose? – she asked, surprise reappearing again in her face.

He laughed lightly – Of course. Why wouldn't you? –

- Well… I thought that if you were to pay… -

- … that I would be the one who chose? – He cut her off gently, finishing her sentence –Of course I am going to pay, but you can choose whatever you feel like. In fact, I've been thinking that you're going to choose my meal too –

She couldn't believe what he was saying. If he had planned to surprise her with whatever his plan was, he was certainly beginning to succeed.

- Are you sure? You trust me? –

He smiled and leant forward slightly, shortening the distance between them. Turning his voice into a whisper, he replied.

- You have shown that you trust me by coming here with me. I think it's fair that I do the same, isn't it? Besides… – he added, his tone returning to normal, and then, signalled the owner of the restaurant to come to their table – … you won't have problems with me. I love everything of this place –

Lunch went by without complications. After asking again, she ordered a salad for both of them, beef stew for him and chowder for her. Although he had assured her that it was a wonderful choice, she only got convinced when he started to eat.

Meal cooled down the feeling of incommodity that had escorted them since they met at the cliff. They even talked a bit between bites about the village, the weather… She answered mainly with monosyllables, but John knew he was making progress with her.

The first proof of this came after dinner when, without previous warning, she was the first one who talked.

- I should have ordered the chowder for you. It's delicious –

I look at her rather surprised, because she had taken the initiative in a conversation and because for the first time, she looked content.

* * *

><p>They didn't' have any established destination after lunch, so they just walked in silence again, but this time, she hooked her hand around his arm willingly. They walked for about a quarter of hour until they went into a small forest.<p>

- Do you mind if we sit down for a little while? It needs to rest a bit – he asked, patting his right thigh.

She had already noticed he used a cane, but somehow, had downplayed its importance until he mentioned it out loud.

They sat on a bench in the shadow of and old oak tree. As he leant his back against the bench, he sighed with relief while massaged her right knee. She sat down beside him without saying a word; just watched his movements attentively. After a while, she broke silence again.

- What happened…? No, forget it; sorry – she shook her head and turned her eyes away –

- What were you going to ask? – He asked full of curiosity

When their eyes met, he saw how uncomfortable she was with that.

- What happened to your leg? –

Bates proceeded to relate his experience at the Boers War. Although he avoided de crudest details of those days, he wasn't sure it was alright to tell her about that story. However, she didn't flinch and listened carefully.

- It had to be a dreadful experience –

Her statement echoed what he still felt about those horrible days. Forcing a strained smile, he nodded.

- Sorry if I've bothered you. I know it's difficult for men to talk about those things –

Bates tried to play down its importance – Yes, it's… complicated to remember those stories. You experience things you are never ready to face –

- You mean death? –

- I mean that we go to war to defend our own country and many times we aren't capable to save our own desperate comrades, even if we wanted to. That's the hardest part of all this -

Suddenly, she stood up from the bench and walked a few steps, with her back turned to him.

- Is something the matter, Anna? –

When she turned around, he saw a glimpse of anger in her eyes.

- Is that why you are doing this? Because you think you can save me too? Because you want to? –

- What? No! Anna, I thought we have made this clear between us! –

- I'm not sure of that anymore. You've just told me you wished you could have save your friends at war -

Bates sighed with exasperation - Anna, you're wrong. Your situation doesn't have anything to do with theirs. It's completely different –

Anna's glare at him meant that her anger was increasing by the second.

- And why should it be different? Tell me John, because I think you're tr… - She asked crossly with tears threatening to fall from her blue eyes.

- Because you're not like them, Anna! You're not like anyone I have ever met before! – he cut her off sharply.

He froze for a second, unable to react. Accidentally, he had opened his heart to her. Another invisible wall which kept them apart had been knocked down. John squirmed slightly on his seat, trying to find an explanation.

- Look, when we were in the cliff and I was trying to convince you to come with me, it largely was because I wanted to help you; I admit it –

Anna looked at him and he fell silent. He thought that she would remind him that she wouldn't talk about it, but surprisingly, she didn't say anything, and he took it as an invitation to keep on talking.

- But on the other hand, it was a selfish act. When I saw you there, I saw someone who knew what suffering was, to the last consequences. But you didn't use your pain to destroy everyone around you. You let me in. When you accepted to come with me, I knew you were a good person. In some way, I wanted to be like you –

Why did it still hurt, after all these years? I thought all those wounds had healed a long time ago, but it only took a simple conversation with her to reopen them.

- I haven't been a good man, Anna. I did horrible things to the people who loved me truly, like my mother. She was always there for me, and what did I do? Turn my back to her a choose someone who wasn't worthy, that she was as damaged as me –

In a matter of minutes he had bared his soul to her and now he felt exhausted mental and physically. He didn't dare to look at her in the eyes and the only thing he wanted was to go back to his mother's house and hide in his bedroom.

- You must be thinking I'm a sad old fool – he dared to admit

He didn't realise that she had sat back down next to him until she took his hand softly.

- No you're not. –

John lifted his head and looked at her, who was smiling sweetly.

- Do you forgive me for how I reacted? I shouldn't have snapped at you the way I did –

Now it was his turn to smile – I have nothing to forgive you, Anna – and he squeezed her hand to reassure her.

She sighed with relief. It was wonderful to see her relaxed again and he took the chance to change the subject. – I think we've had enough rest. What do you want to do now? –

– Well – she said standing up without release his hand – The restaurant and this place have been two magnificent choices so I think you should decide our next stop; better not to spoil the good luck –

He smiled broadly and offered his arm – Then, I know exactly where I am going to take you. There's a fair at the village –

* * *

><p>- Come on John. This is fun! – She called him without turning around.<p>

It was the first stand they try their luck and it seemed she was pretty good at it. He decided to stay a few meters behind, just to watch her. She was so happy hurling balls to the far end of the stand that it seemed that she shone with her own light among the rest of people.

When her last throwing blew down the pyramid of bottles, she squealed in happiness. John couldn't help but laugh when she approached him, jumping and clapping.

- That was absolutely amazing. You're very talented! What's the prize? –

Very proud of herself, she drew a blue silk ribbon from a box.

- Very nice – he pointed out

- You have to try, John. Just once, please. – she insisted and took his hand to take him to the stand.

The man shook his head – I'm awful at these things. I never won anything, not even as a child. Besides, I'm having enough fun just watching you –

Suddenly, people began to congregate around the centre of the fair. A bunch of musicians had gathered and started to play some music. She wanted to take a better look at it and, once again, Bates followed her with his eyes from a less crowded spot, until he lost sight of her.

And suddenly, all the joy he had been experiencing just faded away. Not seeing her brought him back to the darkest reality. He realised that it was getting dark and in a short time, they would have to part their ways forever. Probably, at this same hour next day, she would be gone.

He fought not to lose composure and tried hard to distract his mind.

- John – he hadn't realised that she had come back

- Yes? – he asking hiding his anguish. She was a couple of steps away and had her hand stretched towards him. John looked at her confused.

-It is assumed that in these cases, it's the gentleman, who must ask the lady to dance –

She wanted to dance? With him? Definitely, she was full of wonderful and insane ideas.

- Well… I would love to but you see… my leg. I wish I could though. I miss dances – he joked faking a serious tone.

She laughed heartily and played along – Well, actually we don't have to dance. We could… stand on the same spot Mr Bates –

He was completely lost now and didn't put up any resistance when she approached to him.

She took his cane and dropped on the ground next to his foot. Then, she took his left hand and slipped it around her waist, doing exactly the same with her right hand and his waist. Finally, after holding his right hand, she molded her body along.

It was a peculiar sight; both of them together as in a dance, but without any movement. Poor John didn't know what to do.

- You know, usually the gentleman leads the dance – she whispered arching her eyebrows –

- But I… I don't … How? –

She smiled and rested her chin on her chest – Just sway –

From the outside, they didn't attract any attention, although they were dancing without moving. To the eyes of those who looked at them, they might think they were enjoying the music in the arms of each other. Those few who could stop and watch them, would simply think they were a couple in love.

Maybe that's what he wanted to think while he had her in his arms; that they were in love; that she was his sweet and beautiful wife. It was such a wonderful illusion that he decided to drown in it. He pulled her closer and rested his chin on her head.

After several minutes enjoying the warmth of her body, the softness of her hand, the smell of her hair, he opened his eyes only to meet hers.

- I'm glad you're enjoying at last – she said smiling

He smiled back and, instinctively, kissed her on the forehead – I want to thank you –

- Me? Why? – she asked

- For today, for your company, for your smiles –

His words brought a soft red tinge to her cheeks and he chuckled – I also thank you for that. You're beautiful when you blush –

She didn't say anything; only let go of his hand and hugged him, burying her face on chest. He slipped both his arms around her waist and held her tightly. There was no doubt now. For the first time in his life, John Bates had fallen in love. That revelation was the most extraordinary and cruel of all his life.

He wanted so much to let her know, but a simple "I love you" sounded so hollow in their particular story that he just lowered his head and whispered in her ear.

- I also wanted to thank you for being so wonderful. I assure you that if we had met in another time or place, I would have done anything just to have the chance to make you happy –

When she lifted her face from his chest, he saw that she had been crying the whole time. But she didn't look sad at all.

Anna leant forward and pressed her lips softly against his. He didn't feel the world disappearing around them or time standing still. However, John did feel that his body and soul filled up with peace.

He could have given her one more day on earth, but with that kiss, she was giving him the chance to redeem from his past. She was giving him a whole new life.

And finally, the last wall which kept them apart, just tumbled down.


End file.
